MUTUAL ACCEPTANCE

June 20, 2003

My Dear Missionaries,

Let me open with the words of the Apostle Paul:  “It can only be for God’s glory, then, for you to treat each other in the same friendly way as Christ treated you.” (Rm 15,7).

I would like to talk about mutual acceptance.  A marked pluralism of individuals, mentalities and customs characterizes our Institute hence our need to reflect on St. Paul’s poignant plea if we are to find inspiration and direction for our life. 

The Word of God makes it possible to launch this reflection from a faith perspective.  I will consider briefly situations that are of immediate concern to our Institute and our communities.  My words will be limited to our acceptance of one another as befits members of the same family. I will not go into that broader and more typically missionary concern of acceptance for all those who come to us.

“If you do not become as little children you shall not enter the Kingdom of Heaven” (Mt 18,3).

Matthew uses these extraordinary words to open Jesus’ fourth discourse.  The disciples will live the Kingdom when they become a community.  And they will become a community when they realize in their own lives the ideal of the “Gospel Child.”

The “child” is presented as a role-model for those who wish to become part of the Christian community because in the ancient Semitic view a child was a “nullity.”  His only right to existence derived from the fact that he “belonged” to someone.  Jesus takes the child – one who owns nothing, can do nothing and is in need of everything – and makes it the center of His community.  With the child he encompasses the weak, the poor, the needy, the fragile and the vulnerable.  The candidate for the Christian community is one who realizes he is a sinner,  needs salvation and is willing to let himself be helped.  As is true for the child each member of Jesus’ community finds strength in the weakness that makes him need others, he becomes a “son” of the Father and a “brother” of every other human being.

Self-sufficiency precludes the possibility of becoming sons of the Father and brothers of our brethren,  hence it is banished from the Christian community.  One who can fend for himself has no need of the God Jesus always refers to as Father;  he cannot become a member of that great family where all are brothers thanks to the grace of Him who became our First Brother: Jesus. 

This passage from Matthew provides interesting insights into a proper understanding of the spirit of acceptance:

- The community Jesus seeks to establish is the opposite of an elite.  It is not composed of holy and perfect individuals;  the Master’s favorites are not wise or learned;  Jesus does not look to the successful for candidates.  Only someone who thinks of himself as a child has the necessary qualifications to join Jesus’ family-community.

- Accepting others is possible if our perspective is rooted in a deep and proper understanding of faith where we, our sacrosanct rights, our plans and projects are not the central focus of the community.  Rather the center of community is Jesus and those He has chosen: the needy, the weak and the fragile.  How far this outlook is from our own concerns for efficiency!

- To be a part of this community we must not just accept others we must look upon ourselves as children.  All of us are weak and fragile, all of us are in constant need of a help and support but how very hard it is to admit this!  We have an innate tendency to hide our inadequacy, cover it up or dissemble.  We lose so many chances to grow in communion, to receive and grant pardon, to experience the joy of being brothers of the same Father …

“Anyone who welcomes a little child like this … welcomes me” (Mt 18,5).

There are occasions – by now frequent – when a Regional Council or a local community must discern whether or not they will accept a “wounded” brother, one of those the Gospel says will go before us into the Kingdom.   These are crucial occasions, often fraught with suffering.  It is the “child” of the Gospel who is knocking on our door, seeking access not just to the community but to the heart of each member of the community.  These are moments of grace; apart from whatever decision we may reach we are given a clear and unambiguous insight into the authenticity of our fraternity.  On these occasions our prayer to the Holy Spirit must be prolonged and persistent if we are to determine what is true and just for ourselves and for the individual concerned. 

Based on serious considerations a community may deny acceptance to a brother.  If it chooses to close its door it can only be to prepare and put its house in order for the next person seeking shelter in its midst. 

The possibility that a brother may become a burden is not sufficient reason to bar him access to a Region or a community.  The possible burden may be the result of his unfortunate personality, the difficulties living with him may cause or his many past failures.  The hope to perform more efficiently, the need to increase our productivity or the fear that an individual may prove a drawback for others – all of these are even less of an excuse.  If any one of these considerations leads us to reject a brother we have cast aside the primary prerequisite of that Kingdom to which we have dedicated our entire lives.

As missionaries we are sent into the world to proclaim and show that the Kingdom of God is already present in our midst.  This attitude is a sign of charity and love;  it is a prophetic force that informs our evangelization;  it is a sign of credibility that all the world can see.  It is a power that gives greater efficacy to our efforts.  The Gospel warns us that it is not up to us to determine whom we will love and serve;  we must be ready to accept whoever the Lord sends us.

We must bear in mind that every individual who joins a community or a Region brings qualities, gifts and defects that will in one way or another  change that community or Region.  Change, if properly managed, will lead to growth and enrichment for all concerned.  Every brother who comes to a Region or local community must be looked upon as a “gift” of Providence.  Even when the baggage he brings with him is heavy …

“I was a stranger and you made me welcome” (Mt 25,35)

The Community of the Kingdom is not perfect and efficient, something carefully put together by superiors where every rough edge has been smoothed, every obstacle removed, every bump flattened.  The true test can be found in Mt 25, 31-46.  Only those communities and individuals who are constant in their practice of mercy, love, acceptance, magnanimity, patience and pardon will pass that test.

To get back to our own missionary family in the present we find ourselves facing new challenges that derive from pluralism and the international nature that are now characteristic of our family.  Our ability to practice acceptance and hospitality does not just concern the poor man and the outsider we may encounter in the course of our missionary work, rather it involves the brother who is at my side and lives in my community, but who is so very different in race, culture, mentality and background.  He is the guest I must receive, for whom I must make space not just in my house but in my heart and in my life. 

I must resist the temptation to make the guest conform to my ideas or  force him to accept my way of doing things as a precondition for mutual rapport.  I must have the courage to recognize my brother’s right to full “citizenship.”  I must let him be himself and make his own slow and laborious adaptation to a new situation.

 

How to make our acceptance of others effective

This subject could involve a vast array of considerations but I would like to confine myself to listing certain principles and norms that will make acceptance within local communities and the Institute more effective and more enthusiastic.  I will use J. Vannier’s classical work:  La Comunità – luogo del perdono e della festa [The Community – a Place of Pardon and Celebration]. 

1. What distinguishes a religious family from any other social grouping is that belonging, identity and the spirit that binds were not created by us – they are a gift of God.  He it is who has chosen us and placed us in this family, He it is who has made us all brothers.  And now that we belong to one another I can no longer say to the other – you are not my brother!

2. I do not love the community – but rather the individuals who make up the community.  It is the concrete individuals who count in the community and whom I must accept as they are, so that they can grow according to the plan God has for them.  Probably all of us entered the Institute because we dreamed about the missions.  Gradually we realized that this could not be our primary objective.  First came God and then the Church Family in which there are so many people God loves and whom I too must love.  It is only through the life of this family that I can make the dream of the missions a reality.

3.  We will be unable to accept others unless we ourselves have experienced what it is like to be accepted by God and our brothers as we are – with all our weaknesses and fragility.  It’s easy to accept someone when we need them, when their talent will help us achieve our goals or when we need someone to occupy a vacant position.  It is not quite so easy to accept someone for whom we have no need, when his entrance into our community will increase our work, add to our burdens or become one more problem to solve.  But it is precisely in these circumstances that receiving another is a work of the Holy Spirit.

4.  To be open and welcoming, to transform our communities into places where mutual love is contagious and affects all who come close to us, we must be nourished – and our nourishment is the manna God gives us daily through His Word and the Eucharist.  Other indispensable sources of nourishment are living daily life to the best of our ability, treating others with respect, attention and sensitivity, endeavoring to make everyone feel comfortable and at home, planning daily activities in a way that promotes interpersonal, community dialogue.

5.  Finally we must learn to forgive each other and start over again.  This is a golden rule for any community but it is especially true for those communities where mutual acceptance for one reason or another is the hard bread we must eat every day.  Forgiveness is the heart of any Christian community.  Everyone, from the one in charge to the latest arrival must practice forgiveness according to the Gospel norm – seventy times seven.  To exclude oneself from forgiveness is tantamount to depriving the community of oxygen and jeopardizing any possible hope for the future.

6.  How many missionary situations force us to live at the limit of our strength! How easily we let ourselves be overwhelmed by activities that sap our energy to the point of emotional burn-out.  There are however antibodies for this virus:  the ability to rest, relax and find refreshment in silence and prayer.  If at times individuals seem incapable of caring for themselves, the community must step in and remedy the situation.  Hyperactivity is a genuine sickness: an individual fleas from community commitments because of his work and is so taken up with service to others that he forgets about himself.

 

The other side of the coin …

Up to now we have spoken about fraternal acceptance, open communities and forgiveness.  Before concluding I would like to say something about the  wounded brother who needs acceptance.  We cannot ignore the fact that this “wounded brother” could be any one of us.  In each of us there is an open wound that cannot be healed – the result of our own failures, weaknesses and internal contradictions.  This wound will be with us throughout life.  Neither the greatest accomplishments nor the most ideal of communities will ever completely eliminate it.  Not just because our hearts long for the infinite and cannot be satisfied with the ephemeral, the mortal … but because each of us is burdened with daily shortcomings, failures, weaknesses and unrealized ideals.  How can we put up with this baggage of weakness and inconsistency that causes us and others so much suffering and pain?  Let  me make a few suggestions.

-  First of all we must remove our masks – especially those masks we create unconsciously to hide the wounds,  limitations and vulnerability that force us to seek refuge in work or books.  Accepting the truth about ourselves with realism and faith is the first step on the road to recovery.

-  The second step consists in finding a way to get beyond our limitations, shortcomings and mistakes.  These negative elements can give us access to the Father who accepts, pardons and heals us.  We are accompanied on our journey by  One who has experienced our weakness and who has cried out: “My God, my God, why have You abandoned me?” (Mt 27,46).  We should call to mind the teaching of our Father Founder, “the Crucified is a friend who consoles and assists, who supports us in trial and fatigue, who protects us from so many dangers, who supports us when we are weary, who helps us experience the sweetness of suffering for love of God” (Pietre vive, 56).

-  A further step consists in believing in spite of everything that our brothers and our communities can heal us.  For this reason we should never burn our bridges with anyone, nor should we isolate or cut ourselves off.   This would be giving up completely.  We must be willing to accept whatever conditions the community imposes upon us if there are no easy solutions to our difficulties.

-  Finally one who realizes he is in need and seeks assistance will be open to anyone who extends a helping hand.  An area that is as yet too little understood is psychology.  Specialists in the field of counseling people in need can help us enormously.

I realize that I have been able to do little more than touch briefly on the many situations we and our communities face that require attention, discernment and concern.  Let me conclude with the heartfelt hope that wherever particular situations warrant it,  these brief paragraphs will give rise to more serious consideration on the Circumscription level.

May Our Lady, the Consolata, the Mother of Love and one who experienced suffering guide and console each of us.

Fraternally,

Father Piero Trabucco, IMC

(Father General)